i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize