the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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