there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
accomplished twins. life is a go
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
