i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
