I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
