I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
