You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
