My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
