Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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