At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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