cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
