WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
