i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
