I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
