I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
