you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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