This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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