I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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