You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
