Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm too high and old for this...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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