I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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