Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
