Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
