I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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