Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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