Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
