T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
