I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
