Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
