I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Randomize
