I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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