hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize