Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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