I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
