I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
