You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
