why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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