I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
