whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
