We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize