please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
