So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
