i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
