farters have to be the big spoon...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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