Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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