How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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