dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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