dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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