the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
