I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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