I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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