Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
