I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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