Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
