69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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