today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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