i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
