Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
