Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
