one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
