I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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