i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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