The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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