so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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