My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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