Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize