Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
