break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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