I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
