By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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