you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
